I am here today to address a very serious issue that has come up at recent DDPP meetings: What To Fucking Wear.
Ladies see our flyers, they hear about us from their friends. And they ask the inevitable question: Is it a dance party? Or an exercise class? The answer, of course, is YES. But that doesn’t answer the question of WTFW to Dance Dance Party Party.
Now, WTFW is a recurring issue in a lady’s life. There are countless magazine editorials devoted to this very topic, as well as to the related topic, What NOT To Fucking Wear. Let’s say you have broad shoulders and narrow ankles, and you work in a chicken processing plant but you often go out dancing after work. I guarantee you that Lucky, Elle, and even Jezebel have an opinion about WTFW.
If you’re like me, you get a little! bit! tired! of being told WTFW. Wear a boxy top to minimize the size of your calves! Don’t overdress on the first date! Bend over and make sure your bra doesn’t show before you go to that wedding! You know what I say to all that? YOU bend over. Don’t tell me WTFW! I’ll wear hot pants and baggy jeans and sweater vests and cowboy boots wherever and whenever I please! At thirty-two, I am old enough to take the consequences.
This is all to say that at DDPP, which has an explicit “No Judgment” policy, You Can Wear Fucking Anything! In the past, people have worn: yoga pants, halter tops, t-shirts, tutus, bicycle shorts, minidresses, sports bras, tennis shoes, no shoes. The main thing you should know is that you are gonna get really hot and sweaty, so to keep from overheating you might avoid turtlenecks; and that you will be dancing on a wood floor, so for the sake of your ankles high heels might be inadvisable. But if you still need some guidance, here are some ideas:
Everybody knows that on Mother’s Day you’re supposed to take a moment to appreciate how difficult your birth was for the party involved who actually remembers it. You’re supposed to contemplate all the hell you put your mother through – morning sickness, dirty diapers, boy band obsessions, veganism, birth control talks, cult involvement. Tough times, and your mom weathered them, all for you.
What no one seems to acknowledge on Mother’s Day is that mothers are HOT. They had sex, y’all! Probably a lot more times than the one time it took to produce you. They wore cute little miniskirts in the sixties and glittery disco dresses in the seventies and awesome power suits in the eighties. These days they are rocking capri pants and adorable flats. If mothers weren’t hot, “hey pretty mama” wouldn’t be the kind of thing men yelled out of car windows. And it is. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the hotness of moms:
On Sunday, DJ M.I.L.F. reminded us all of the hotness of moms with her booty-rockin’, show-stoppin’, foot-stompin’ Hot Momma Mix. Without further ado, here is a list of songs celebrating not just the awe-inspiring patience and omnipotence of moms, but their total hotness. Mom, if you’re reading this – you are beautiful! I love your hair and your classic sense of style! Whenever I get a compliment, I tell the truth – “I got it from my mama.”
Hey Mama / Kanye West
Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ / Michael Jackson
Suga Mama / Beyoncé
Mamita / La Banda Del Diablo
I’m a Mother / Pretenders
Shake Whatcha Mama Gave Ya / Old School Players
Big Wheel / Tori Amos
Fly Mamita / Cherisme’
Stacy’s Mom / Fountains of Wayne
I Got It from My Mama/ will.i.am
Mother and Child Reunion / Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Tell Mama / Etta James
Hay Mamita / Cartel de Santa
Sugar Mama / Bonnie Raitt
Papa Don’t Preach / Madonna
Mothership / Kid Beyond
Mamma Mia / ABBA
Present / Infant / Ani DiFranco